


You Are My Sweetest Downfall

by charliechick117



Series: According to You [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Background Relationships, Cancer Arc, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hospitals, M/M, Minor Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III/Vex'ahlia, Minor Scanlan Shorthalt/Pike Trickfoot, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-11-12 19:52:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18017354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliechick117/pseuds/charliechick117
Summary: The weddings were over, college was done, and the future never looked so bright for Vox Machinae.  Between Percy and Vex making plans to start a family and Pike adopting Scanlan's daughter, Vax and Keyleth and Gilmore thought about their future together.Until one day when Vax collapsed on the ground.





	1. Thinking Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> First, I'd like to apologize for this. It's not going to be a happy journey.
> 
> There's been a handful of songs that, when I hear them, give me SO MANY Vax/Kiki feelings, it's not even funny.
> 
> But those songs are all about coping with the loss of a loved one. So here we go.
> 
> Title from the song "Samson" by Regina Spektor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran

Keyleth laughed as Gilmore swept Vax across the dance floor.  They were always a pleasant sight to see and Keyleth felt no jealousy sitting this dance out.  Vex had been right, of course, the three of them worked out just fine.  It had been nearly a year since they bumbled into this relationship and she couldn't remember being happier.  Vex and Percy were married, Pike had proposed to Scanlan, and all of Vox Machinae was happy.

They were celebrating their final year of college at a new dance club on the opposite side of downtown as Gilmore's Club.  He claimed he needed to scout out his competition, but Keyleth knew that Gilmore was just tired of everyone crowding up his club.  Not to mention that since Vex didn't work there anymore, they could all go clubbing together.

"This one was requested by Percy for his new bride!" the DJ announced over the speaker.  "Let's slow things down for a moment."

Soft, strumming guitar came through the speakers and the thrum of the club slowed down considerably.  Couples paired off for the rare slow dance and Keyleth blushed as she saw Vex tug a willing Percy into the darkest corner of the club.  Spinning slowly in front of her came Vax and Gilmore, both of them out of breath, cheeks pink and eyes bright.

"Your turn, dear," Gilmore passed Vax's hand to her.

"Thanks, Shaun," Keyleth let Vax pull her to her feet.  Gilmore kissed her cheek.

Vax put both his hands on her hips and she let her hands rest naturally around his neck.  They swayed back and forth to the beat of the music and Keyleth let her fingers run through Vax's long, dark hair.

"I had no idea Freddie was such a romantic," Vax chuckled.  His thumbs ran warm circles against Keyleth's bare waist.

"Even after he drove halfway across the country for Vex?" Keyleth countered.  "That was a move straight out of a movie, love."

"And now they're married," Vax leaned down and rested his forehead against Keyleth's.  "What about us?"

"What about us?" Keyleth repeated.  "We're here, Vax.  We have the whole future ahead of us.  You and me and Shaun.  Whatever comes our way, we can face it.  Together."

"Don't you want one?" Vax asked.  "A wedding?  To have a husband instead of a boyfriend?"

"I want  _you_ , Vax," Keyleth let one of her hands trail down to Vax's jaw, forcing him to look her in the eyes.  "Marriage is nice, and I would love to marry you, and I know Shaun would too, but we don't need a wedding to be in love.  We don't need that to show our commitment to each other.  There's a long future ahead, Vax, plenty of time for us to think about it and do it right.  But most importantly, we have time to do it right."

Vax smiled at her, soft and tender like new flowers in springtime.  "I love you, Keyleth, and you're right.  We have time."

The song faded away and the bopping club music came back on.  Gilmore weaved his way through the crowd effortlessly until he was at their side.  The green lights flashed across his face and clashed horribly with his purple shirt but he still looked as glorious as ever.

"Why the long faces?" Gilmore asked.  "This is time to celebrate, is it not?"

"We're just talking about the future," Keyleth reached out and slid her hand in Gilmore's.  His hand was broader than Vax's, thick fingers bedazzled with rings.  "Our future."

"Ah, of course," Gilmore threw an arm around Vax's shoulder.  "As long as we're together, I don't think there's any future we can't handle."


	2. Your Guardian Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
> 
> Fun fact: I played this at my senior concert for orchestra as my solo. So it's old but nostalgic.
> 
> These chapters will be very short - little flashes of moments related to the songs I chose for the chapter.
> 
> It's like memories. When you hear a certain song and a sudden flash of memory comes rushing back, that's what these chapters are. Flashes of moments that add up to a story.

Pike and Scanlan had a tremendous wedding.  Keyleth actually cried when Grog walked Pike down the aisle.  Scanlan sang his vows and Pike dipped him.  The party went on for hours afterwards.  Trinket was constantly underfoot and Scanlan was too happy to pretend to hate the dog.  There was dancing and food and drinking and toasts and speeches.  Keyleth was delirious with joy.

These were their golden years, bright and vibrant and so full of potential.  The future was stretched out before them like a yellow brick road and Vox Machinae only had to skip along the path to their next adventure.  There were more gigs for the band to play, houses to fill with children, and so much  _more_ along the horizon.

Keyleth sighed and leaned against Vax as the newlyweds sped off to their honeymoon.

"Alright, everyone, time to pack it up!" Vex shouted over the roar of the engine.  "We need to get the decorations taken down and the gifts delivered and it's already past midnight.  No time to waste, come along!"

Grumbling, the wedding party turned back into the reception hall.  Gilmore and Allura already had the food packed up while Kima started to move the tables and chairs back to where they belonged.  Keyleth and Vax were supposed to be taking down the decorations with Percy, but Percy had his hands full of baby Kaylie and was completely unhelpful.

Vax was behind Keyleth, holding out a box for her to place the photographs in.  She turned back to the wall when she heard a quiet gasp followed by the unmistakable sound of a body hitting the floor.

"Vax!"

On the ground, pale and still, was Vax, box at his side and the picture frames shattered across the floor.  Vex was already flying across the room before Keyleth had a chance to process what had happened.  Vex slide across the floor, probably scuffing the knees on her dress, and pressed her fingers on Vax's neck.

Numbly, Keyleth knelt on his other side, her hand reaching out for his.  Vax's fingers were cold against her own.  She felt Gilmore stand behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"He's alive," Vex announced.  Keyleth let out a breath.  "But he doesn't look good."

"It was probably all the champagne and dancing," Allura suggested.  "It's a cool night and hot in here, the temperature change and the alcohol may have caused him to faint.  I'm sure it's nothing a night of rest and plenty of water can't fix."

"I'll take him home," Gilmore said.  "Allura's probably right.  It's just a fainting spell."

Vex only nodded and Gilmore scooped up Vax's body.  Keyleth trailed after them.  It was a cloudless night and the moon was bright in the sky, casting the lawn and parking lot in a white glow.  Keyleth shivered at the cool air.

"Do you really think he's okay?" Keyleth asked when they were several feet away from the reception hall.  "He's never fainted before."

"Of course he's okay," Gilmore said firmly.  "He has to be.  Either Allura's right and the drinking was too much or he's getting sick.  Nothing groundbreaking, surely."

"Right, of course," Keyleth nodded as they walked closer to Gilmore's car.  She pulled his keys from his jacket pocket and unlocked the door, allowing Gilmore to place Vax's unconscious body in the backseat.  She fiddled with the keys for a moment.  "But the way Vex reacted... I dunno, Shaun, I'm worried."

"I am too, darling," Gilmore said.  "Most likely he's sick.  The flu has been going around recently.  I'll take him home and get him into bed.  You should go to the store and pick up some medicine for him."

"And tea."

Gilmore smiled.  "And tea, of course, Kiki.  If it's the flu then you and I are in charge of taking care of him.  Vex told me he complains loud enough to wake the dead when he's sick."

"She's no better!" Keyleth laughed, remembering the first time she witnessed a sick Vex when they were roommates.  "Oh, Shaun, she tore me apart when I brought her the wrong tea from the store."

"Then Vax will be no trouble for us."

Keyleth's smile fell from her face.  Despite Gilmore's reassurances, she couldn't help the ominous feeling creeping inside her.  The feeling of having the floor drop from under her feet, or not knowing where the top step on a staircase was, or turning a corner and not recognizing any street signs.

It felt like the time Vex ran away to Zadash.

"He'll be fine," Keyleth said, more to herself than Gilmore.  She planted a smile on her face and ignored the ominous tug in her gut.  "I'll see you at home, then.  Drive safe."

Gilmore took his keys with a gentle kiss on her forehead.  As he drove away, his taillights fading in the darkness, Keyleth let the smile drop from her face.  Try as she might to be optimistic about the whole situation, she couldn't stop the lingering dread looming over like a shadow.


	3. Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Unsteady" by X-Ambassadors (Erich Lee Gravity Remix preferred)

After two weeks, Keyleth started to worry.  Whatever sickness Vax had was getting worse.  He was thin and pale, barely able to move out of bed most days.  He could barely stomach the anti-nausea tea Keyleth made.  It was not like any flu or cold Keyleth or Gilmore had ever seen before.

"You need to see the doctor," Keyleth said, putting a hand on Vax's forehead.  "You've been running a fever for two weeks and have lost far too much weight."

Vax shook his head with a groan.  Keyleth pushed back his sweaty hair and her heart snapped in her chest.  He opened his eyes, glazed over and unfocused.  With great effort, he managed to focus on Keyleth's face.

"No doctor, Kiki, please."

"Vax, honey, you're sick," Keyleth said through tears.  "I hate seeing you like this.  Gilmore's already making an appointment."

"No, no," Vax mumbled.  "You don't... I..."

Keyleth shushed him, running her hand through his hair.  Vax mumbled and rolled around the bed, sheets damp with his sweat.  The door to the bedroom opened and Gilmore walked in.  He was wearing a navy blue bathrobe and his hair was down, though that didn't hide his tired eyes.  He gave Keyleth a weak smile which she shakily returned.  He sat down on the other side of the bed, gently touching Vax's cheek.

"Tomorrow morning," Gilmore said softly.  "I already told Vex and the others."

Keyleth nodded absently.  "It's not the flu, is it?"

"I... I don't think so," Gilmore said.

"Me neither."

 

Keyleth stared down at her hands.  Her fingers were shaking.  Her cell phone was still in her hand, Vex's name still flashing on the screen.  Everything felt numb.

_"We never told you how out mother died," Vex said in the waiting room of the doctor's office.  "It wasn't... we didn't think it would matter."_

Gilmore had gone to work to make sure the club would be taken care of while he was gone.  Vex had gone home to Percy and Trinket.  Pike had sent Keyleth and Gilmore a bunch of articles to help them during this trying time, with less helpful (but humorous) additions by Scanlan and Grog.

_"It's not like we had a lot of money to go to the doctor."_

The house, which used to be so huge and inviting, felt too open and empty without Vax's laughter and Gilmore's booming voice.  Their bed, specially designed for three, was empty and cold.  The future that Keyleth had been creating in her mind was shattered.

_"When he fainted... I thought the worst.  I don't remember Mom getting her diagnoses.  I don't remember her treatment.  I just... remember her gone."_

Vax was taken to the hospital on an ambulance and Keyleth couldn't even go with him.  She could only wait with Gilmore while Vex went to the hospital.  Those were the worst hours of her life.

_"And now... it's like Mom all over again."_

Cancer.  The more Keyleth let the word sit in her brain, the worse it felt.  Vax, her Vax'ildan, the love of her life, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, had cancer.  He was  _dying_.  Unbidden, fresh tears slipped down her cheeks and her entire body convulsed with a sob.  She tightened her fingers around her phone until the case creaked in her grip.

They could visit tomorrow.  The nurse had given Keyleth a handful of pamphlets on how to cope with the news.  Explanations on what kind of treatments Vax would be going through - chemo, radiation, surgery.  They were hopeful.  Cancer wasn't a death sentence, not with the new stages of medicine and treatment.

But the word still rocked Keyleth's world.  It may be survivable, but she knew the statistics.  Even if he lived, even if the treatment was successful, he might never be the same.

The bedroom door creaked open.  Gilmore sat down next to her, his hands in his lap.

Silence stretched between them.  Keyleth swallowed and wiped her tears.  She felt fragile and numb.  Everything was unsteady, uncertain, unknown.  She glanced over at Gilmore.  He looked far worse than she did, make-up smudged around his hollow eyes.

Keyleth had never spent this much time alone with Gilmore.  There had always been Vax, almost like a bridge between them.  Keyleth loved Gilmore because Vax did, but without him, where did that leave them?  Could she still live here, just the two of them?

Gilmore slumped slightly and Keyleth slid closer, resting a head on his shoulder.

Yes, she could.  It may not be the same but if this was her future, then so be it.


	4. Not Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Not Alone" by Red
> 
> This chapter also references "Samson" concerning hair.

If Keyleth never stepped into another hospital, it would be too soon.  It had been only three days and she was already tired of it.  Tired of the stiff chairs and endless stairs and constant beeping.  She was tired of seeing Vax thin and frail and attached to dozens of machines.

But he wasn't dying.

The doctor in charge of Vax's case reassured Keyleth that he should be able to come home within a week, once the worst of the cancer was dealt with.  Provided, of course, Vax was stable by that time.

Even after only a few short days, Vax was looking better.  Though the treatment didn't allow Vax to gain weight (he was thin enough already...) he was able to sit up straight and hold a conversation.  His skin was bruised but his eyes were bright.

So much of Vax was returning thanks to the treatment even though the rest of him was falling apart underneath radiation.

"Soon," Keyleth promised, squeezing Vax's hand.  "Soon you'll be home."

"Thank Gods," Vax rasped.  "I miss our bed, Kiki.  I've gotten used to sleeping with two people beside me."

"Well, if you just get better, this won't be problem," Keyleth said.

"Oh, right, I'll just tell my cells to start behaving and stop creating tumors," Vax rolled his eyes and Keyleth let out a small laugh.

True to the doctor's orders, Vax was sent home within a few days.  Weak from chemo, Gilmore had to help him walk inside.  Keyleth had invited everyone over for dinner, a small simple event to not overwhelm Vax.

Even weak and shaky, Vax smiled and laughed.  He stayed right next to Vex, the twins practically inseparable the whole night.  Trinket, instead of running around begging for attention, stayed at Vax's feet.

It was nice to be all together again.  The last time all of Vox Machinae was together, other than the few weddings, was the night they went clubbing before their senior year of college.

Despite it being not quite a year since then, it had felt like an eternity.  Percy and Vex moved uptown into a suburban neighborhood, Pike's job as a nurse had her working up to 80 hours a week, Scanlan had a new daughter to take care of and Grog had to pick up extra hours at the shop after two people quit.

They were still family, still Vox Machinae, but they were all growing up and moving on to their own futures.  Keyleth knew she would be around to watch Vex and Percy start their own family and that she would always be Aunt Kiki to little Kaylie.

The only question is whether or not Vax would still be around.

Keyleth looked over to Vax, laughing at something Scanlan said and jokingly threatening to shave Grog's beard again.

He would still be around.  Keyleth repeated that in her head over and over, hoping beyond hope it would be true.  Vax would still be around.

 

“Just do it,” Vax said.

Keyleth stood behind Vax with the razor in her hand.  Her eyes were teary and she ran her fingers through what remained of Vax’s hair.  A chunk of hair fell out in her hand.

“But, Vax,” Keyleth bent over, pressing her cheek against his.  “It’s your hair, my love.  There’s no going back after this.”

“If I’m losing my hair, Kiki, I’m losing it on my terms,” Vax turned around to face her.  She pressed her forehead to his and let the tears slip down her cheeks.   “I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t trust you.”

Keyleth nodded and Vax kissed her softly.  Slowly he spun back around and met her eyes through the mirror.

With trembling hands, Keyleth turned on the razor and took it to Vax’s head.  She pressed it close to his scalp and - and -

"I can't do it," Keyleth pulled the razor away and pressed her face against Vax's head.

Vax took her hand in his and gently guided her back to his scalp.  "Yes, you can."

Keyleth closed her eyes and pulled the razor across his head, the buzzing echoed in the small bathroom.  By touch alone, Keyleth managed to shave the rest of his head.  She didn't want to open her eyes.

"Keyleth."

He looked so strange and small without his hair, Keyleth realized.  The floor was covered with thick waves of dark hair and she sobbed.

“It was long,” Keyleth said softly.  She traced her fingers over Vax’s scalp and he shivered a little underneath the contact.  “When we first met – your hair was long.”

“So was yours,” Vax countered.  “Long and red and so beautiful.  Remember what I said when you asked if I liked it?"

"You said you liked me," Keyleth couldn't help but smile through her tears.

"Well," Vax spun around in the chair and smiled up at Keyleth, "do you like it?"

"I like  _you_ ," Keyleth said.

 

The doors to the temple were open and ominous. Tightening her grip on her shoulder bag, Keyleth crossed the threshold.  The Raven Queen wasn’t a popular deity in Emon; Her worshippers usually hailed from older cities.  Being a college city, there wasn’t a lot of worship for the Goddess of Death.

It had bothered Keyleth, when Vax started worshipping the Raven Queen.  She had assumed it was in response to Vex’s brush with death and he would grow out of it.  Instead, his worship only increased.

Now, with Vax lying on his deathbed, feeling hopeless and lost, Keyleth had entered the Raven Queen’s temple looking for answers.

It was a small building with rows of pews extending from a raised platform on the opposite side.  On the platform was a tall, marble statue of the Raven Queen Herself.  Her arms were extended out in a welcoming gesture and the porcelain mask covered any facial features of the Goddess.

There weren’t many patrons in the temple and Keyleth silently walked up the pews and knelt down in front of the statue, placing her hands awkwardly in front of her.

Keyleth had never been a believer in gods or goddesses.  She had admired Pike’s clear devotion to Saranrae but never felt that burning desire in herself.  Now, however, with Vax dying, Vex and Percy preparing for children, Pike, Scanlan and Grog planning to move, Keyleth didn’t know where to go.

“Please,” she whispered as her eyes welled up with tears.  “I… I don’t know what’s happening.  I don’t want to lose him.”

They had only been together for a few years, hardly enough time.  She wouldn’t know what to do without him.

There was a rustle of raven wings and Keyleth looked up at the statue, tears sticky on her cheeks.  A large raven perched on the statue, cawing loudly.

 _You have loved deeply, child.  Your love with continue on.  Be strong and be true and he will remain beside you_.


	5. Not Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Not Today" by Imagine Dragons
> 
> Just a forewarning: Gilmore and Keyleth do start pushing their relationship beyond platonic. I DID NOT PLAN THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THOSE TWO ARE GOING BUT WE'RE GOING THERE.
> 
> An important note regarding the Keyleth and Gilmore thing:
> 
> In no way is Gilmore's sexuality changing. He and Keyleth are not sexually attracted to each other. They are more physically affectionate with each other and, like, life partners?
> 
> Basically, Gilmore is still gay but since they've been living together, they get more affectionate. Especially without Vax around.
> 
> I hope that makes sense.

Keyleth screamed on the phone.  Gilmore poked his head around the corner and Keyleth immediately set the phone down on the kitchen counter, putting it on speaker.

“Say it again, Vex!” Keyleth said.  “Gilmore didn’t hear.”

“I think you busted my ear drums, darling,” Vex’s crackling voice came through Keyleth’s speakers.  “Gilmore, love, I swear I was going to call you next.  Percy and I just got the news that Vax’s chemo treatment is done and he’s officially clean!”

Keyleth watched as Gilmore’s face dropped into a massive smile.  Keyleth couldn’t speak.  After so long being a duo, they were going to be a trio again.  Finally, Vax was going to be _home_.  Gilmore ran around the kitchen island and scooped up Keyleth in a massive bear hug.

“He’s coming home!”

The kitchen spun around Keyleth but Gilmore’s arms were strong around her back.  She was euphoric at the news and immediately wanted to run to the hospital to see Vax.  She wanted to cry and laugh and scream all at the same time.  She wanted to kiss –

And then there was a warm press of lips on hers and, for a split second, she thought it was Vax.  Then her eyes focused on the dark skin and gold eyeliner and then he was away and Keyleth was left with the breath taken from her lungs and her lips still tingling.

“Hello?” Vex called over the phone speaker.  “Are you two still there?”

Keyleth stared at Gilmore’s flushed face.  Her heart was pounding and her face was hot and she felt faintly dizzy.

The phone clicked and Keyleth couldn’t move.  Gilmore’s arms were still around her, mouth open in shock.  The last time Keyleth was kissed by someone that wasn’t Vax was years and years ago, before Kashaw met Zarha.

“I’m sorry,” Gilmore said, letting go of Keyleth and taking two steps back.  “I shouldn’t… I should have asked.  I didn’t mean to assume.”

“Do it again,” Keyleth said.

“Excuse me?”

Keyleth grabbed Gilmore’s shoulders and pulled him close again.  “Kiss me.”

Maybe it was the adrenaline from hearing that Vax was going to live.  Maybe it was from all the time she spent with Gilmore without Vax as a buffer.  Maybe she was sad and desperate for some human comfort that she’d been missing since Vax’s diagnoses.

But Gilmore acquiesced.  His hands rested on Keyleth’s waist and he bent down to kiss her again.  Just as soft and gentle as Keyleth wanted and imagined it to be.

 

Vax looked so much better.  Maybe Keyleth was imagining it just because he was finally _home_.  His hair was starting to grow back, sandpaper rough across his head.  While he still had thick bags under his eyes and his bones still stuck out, Vax was smiling.

“I’ll start dinner,” Gilmore said as soon as they walked in the door.  “Something to celebrate Vax being back home.”

“Thanks, Shaun,” Vax tipped his head up for a kiss.

Laughing, Shaun leaned down and kissed him.  Vax pulled back with a smug smile on his face.  Then he turned to Keyleth, raising an eyebrow as if to challenge her.  Oh, Keyleth missed having him around and she kissed him.

“So needy,” Keyleth muttered.

“I’ve been dying in a hospital without either of my partners with me,” Vax said.  “I missed it.  I missed this.”

Vax leaned up against Keyleth and let out a heavy breath.  His eyes fluttered close and Keyleth adjusted her stance to accommodate his weight.

“I’ll bring food to the living room,” Gilmore said.  “Do we have enough blankets for him?”

“Yes, dear,” Keyleth rolled her eyes.  “It’s not like we’ve been planning for Vax to come home for weeks.”

Gilmore chuckled and, for the first time, Keyleth saw the smile reach his eyes again.  She knew the look.  She couldn’t stop smiling since Vax came home.  Gilmore reached out and cupped her chin, pulling her in for a soft kiss.

Vax grunted and Keyleth felt hot.  Gilmore patted Vax on the cheek and sauntered off to the kitchen.  As soon as he was out of sight, Vax turned his gaze to Keyleth.

“What?!” he gasped.  “When did that?!”

Still blushing, Keyleth dragged Vax over to the living room, pushing him down onto the couch.  She yanked blankets from the back of the couch and wrapped it around Vax’s shoulders, desperately avoiding eye-contact.  The sounds of Gilmore singing and cooking in the kitchen floated through the house.

“Kiki, please,” Vax reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her still.  “I’m not… I’m not mad, I’m just curious.  I didn’t think you two would ever, I don’t know, get there.”

“It’s… it’s still new,” Keyleth sat down next to Vax, curling up on his side.  “Just… without you here.  It left a gap in our lives and I guess we sorta came together because of it.”

Vax started to grin.  He pulled Keyleth in closer, hugging her tight to his chest.  Keyleth wrapped her arms around his waist, trying not to think about how thin he was.

“I love you, Kiki,” Vax mumbled into her hair.  “You don’t have to be with Gilmore if you don’t want me to.  What we have is good.”

“It is good, but he and I are good too,” Keyleth said.  She leaned up and kissed the bottom of Vax’s jaw.  “There’s no pressure or anything for us to… be something.  We just… we just are.”

“I’m glad,” Vax eventually said.

Together on the couch, Vax started to doze, curled up with Keyleth while Gilmore cooked.  Keyleth turned on the TV and put on an old movie to play in the background.  Eventually, the clatter of kitchen utensils stopped and Gilmore waltzed in with dinner.

It felt so good to have the three of them again.  Even though Vax could only stomach a few bites of dinner before he collapsed on Gilmore exhausted, it felt like home


	6. The End of All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The End of All Things" by Panic! At the Disco
> 
> ;-;

Kaylie’s birthday party was as extravagant as possible for a toddler.  Almost as if Scanlan was trying to make up for those few years without her.  He’d managed to find an amp so the band could perform a few songs.  It had been a long time since Keyleth last saw Vox Machinae the band perform.  With Vax going through chemo, the band didn’t exactly have a lot of time to perform.

Keyleth sat on a bench next to Vax while Scanlan and the others got their equipment set up.  Pike had gotten her hair cut recently and her blonde curls hung above her shoulders.  She walked around the party with Kaylie at her side and, in Keyleth’s opinion, she’d never seen someone look more motherly.

“Look at your hair,” Percy came up to them.  He ran his hands on Vax’s scalp.  Keyleth couldn’t help but grin proudly at the scruff of hair on Vax’s head.  A sign that he was healing.  “At least it didn’t grow back white like mine did.”

“I’d sooner cut it off than have white hair,” Vax teased.  “Instead of being Vex’s twin I’d be yours!”

Despite Vox Machinae’s last performance being several months ago, the band still played beautifully together.  Vex’s voice was as stunning as ever and, as always, Percy couldn’t keep his eyes off her.  He never could.

Halfway through the party, Vax had to call it a night.  Gilmore offered to take him home, letting Keyleth stay for a little longer with the rest of their friends.  She danced with Kaylie and they ate cake and ice cream while she opened her birthday presents.

Much later, after Kaylie was carried out on Scanlan’s shoulders, after Percy and Vex drove home talking about their own family, Keyleth came home.

The house was dark and she locked the door behind her.  Quietly, Keyleth walked up the stairs, leaving her shoes and jacket in the front hallway.  The door to the bedroom was cracked open and she could see the flashing lights of the TV.  Lounging on the massive bed was Gilmore and Vax, curled around each other half asleep.  As Keyleth shut the bedroom door, both of them opened their eyes.

“Come to bed,” Vax mumbled and patted the bed next to him.  “Can’t sleep without you.”

Keyleth could never say no to Vax.

 

This was what they meant when they said the floor drops from underneath of you.

It started with a phone call.

“…hospital.  He passed out at work… relapse… haven’t heard news yet… blood test… doesn’t look good.”

Her phone slipped from her fingers and crashed onto the kitchen table.  Kaylie startled from where she was sitting on her high chair.  Her face was smothered in applesauce and her wide eyes, clearly from her father, stared at Keyleth in confusion.

“I’m sorry, little one,” Keyleth said.  She grabbed a rag and wiped off Kaylie’s face.  “Your daddy should be home soon.  I… I have to make a call.”

Kaylie only babbled and waved her fists around.

Picking up her phone, Keyleth called Vex.

“You heard?” Vex said tearfully.

“Gilmore just called,” Keyleth said.  “Vex… I thought – ”

“We all thought, Kiki.  We thought, we hoped, we prayed, but none of it matters.  The tumor is back.”


	7. The Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The Scientist" by Coldplay
> 
> Just by the way, watch the music video. In case this fic wasn't making you depressed enough.
> 
> This is a double chapter update because the next one? Yeah, that's the sad one so I wanted to get these out before, you know, all the tears.

If Keyleth thought she hated the hospital before, it was nothing compared to now.  She thought they were free of this – that Vax would be better.  Instead she’s back in the same damn hospital room with Vax lying sore and motionless on the bed.

He was awake, at least.  His face sallow and eyes dark.  Hooked up with tubes and wires and the monitors constantly beeping.

“You look lovely,” Vax said softly, his voice cracking.  He reached out and Keyleth took his hand in hers.  “You always look so lovely.”

“It’s not fair,” Keyleth said through tears.

“No one said it would be easy,” Vax said.  “We knew that when they found the tumor.”

“Yeah, but no one said it would be so hard,” Keyleth felt her voice break.  “Everyone else, Vax, they have a _future_.  Percy and Vex are talking about kids, Pike and Scanlan have Kaylie and Grog but what about us?!  Where’s our future, Vax?  Where’s the life you and me and Gilmore could have?”

“Keyleth…”

“It’s not fair,” she muttered, pressing her face to Vax’s hand.  His skin felt paper thin and his bones too fragile.  She kissed the palm of his hand, hiding her tears.

 

She waited with him.  Gilmore on one side of the bed and Keyleth on the other.  Vax, so weak and fragile, waiting for the news.

“I’m sorry, but the treatments aren’t working,” the doctor said somberly.  “At this point, we’re only delaying the inevitable.”

Keyleth’s entire body shook.  Her heart stopped in her chest and she heard Gilmore stifle a sob.  She looked over at Vax.  Watched as his eyes dulled and filled with tears.

“We’ll do our best to make it as comfortable as possible,” the doctor continued.  “We have an excellent hospice and we’ll do everything we can to make this bearable.”

“There’s nothing?” Keyleth asked softly.

“The cancer has spread quickly through his body.  There’s no amount of chemo or radiation that can stop it now.  Within the next month, Vax, you’ll have several tumors in your brain.  When the time comes, it’ll come quickly.  But we’ll be there every step of the way.”

Gracefully, the doctor left the hospital room to the loudest silence Keyleth had ever experienced.

“No,” Keyleth whispered.  “No this isn’t it.  This can’t be it!”

“Keyleth,” Gilmore said.

“I talked to the Raven Queen, Vax,” Keyleth cried.  “I went to her temple and prayed and she promised me you’d stay by me.  She wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true, would she?”

“Keyleth…”

“No!”

With tears streaming down her face and her heart broken, Keyleth stood up.  She couldn’t believe this – refused to believe this.  After everything they’d been through, how could Vax still die?  Was there nothing more they could do?

She didn’t know where she went, only that she was staring down a vending machine and sobbing.  The lights were too bright and the floor too shiny and all Keyleth wanted was Vax.

The worst part was they _had him_.  A fresh round of tears slipped down her cheeks.  Keyleth and Gilmore had Vax back.  He was home and healthy and for what?  So he could just go back to the hospital?  He suffered through all the radiation, he cut his hair, just to be told it would kill him?

Then why even bring him home?  Why even give Keyleth the brief hope things would be back to normal?  She fell onto her knees, pressing her forehead against the cool glass of the vending machine.

They were supposed to have time.  They were supposed to have an entire future.  Now they only had a few months.

That was how Pike found her, hours later, curled up against the vending machine.

“Come with me, babe,” Pike grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away from the vending machine.  “Take a deep breath, there we go, now walk with me.  One step at a time.”

Keyleth kept her gaze on the ground, on her sandals moving forward next to Pike’s work sneakers.  The linoleum gave way to carpet which gave way to cement until eventually she was in grass.  Pike’s strong hands pushed until Keyleth was sitting.

“I managed to pull some strings and be his hospice nurse,” Pike said.  “Told them it would be better for everyone if it was someone familiar to them.”

“He’s going to die,” Keyleth said.  The gravity of the words sank into her and her chest felt tight.  “Oh, my gods, Pike.  Vax is going to die.  I… I have to live without him.”

“So are we,” Pike’s hands touched Keyleth’s chin.  “You’re not alone, Kiki.  Vex is losing her twin brother.  We’re all losing a friend.  None of us have to go through this alone.”

Pike, who had looked so motherly only a few weeks ago with Kaylie at her hips, looked even more so now.

“I’m going to be his nurse, Keyleth,” Pike said.  “I’m going to be with you every step of the way and… I’ll be the one to tell you when his time is up.”

Keyleth threw her arms around Pike and sobbed.


	8. Cancer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance
> 
> Other listening includes: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie, "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne, "Broken" by Seather Feat. Amy Lee.
> 
> In other words, the most depressing music.
> 
> I did watch Vax's goodbye from campaign 1 to remind me what his final words were to Vox Machina. I took some creative liberties but much of what is said in this chapter is directly taken from the Critical Role cast. I give them all rights to those heart breaking moments.

“Promise me it’ll be a great funeral,” Vax muttered.  He couldn’t even open his eyes.

“The best,” Keyleth promised.  “Vex will be here soon.  So will everyone else.”

“You know the hardest part of this?”  Vax groped until he could find Keyleth’s hand.  “The hardest part of this is leaving you.  Leaving you and Shaun without me.”

“We’ll manage, darling,” Keyleth said.  “It’ll never be the same without you.”

The door to the bedroom opened and Pike poked her head in.

“Everyone’s here,” she said.  “Are you ready?”

Keyleth nodded and propped up Vax a little on his pillows.  Slowly, all of Vox Machinae came into the room.  Vex pushed past everyone and crawled right into the hospice bed, curled up against her brother as she cried.  The rest kneeled around his bed.  Percy had an arm around Keyleth and she instinctively curled into him.

“Are you afraid?” Grog asked softly.

“I’m going to go visit my mother,” Vax said.  He forced his eyes open and blearily tried to focus on everyone.  “I’ll see all of you again.  I love you all.”

“It won’t be the same without you,” Scanlan said.

“I’ll never be that far away.”

Slowly, Vax having to catch his breath between each word, he said his goodbyes.  He turned, struggling to shift his arm around Vex, holding her close to him.

“I never had a greater friend than you,” he whispered into her hair.

“I feel like I'm losing part of me,” Vex sobbed.  “I don’t know how to live without you.”

“I will see you again and I will tell our mother that you say hello,” Vax promised.

Vex looked up at Percy and he nodded.  His hand tightened on Keyleth’s shoulder.  Vex took Vax’s hand and carefully placed it on her stomach.  Keyleth gasped and Vax’s eyes widened.

“You’re…?”

Vex nodded.  “We just found out the other day.  I… I didn’t think it would be today.”

“Oh, Stubby,” Vax pulled her in closer and kissed her forehead.  “You’ll be wonderful.  I’ll never be that far away.”

The monitors around his bed started beeping.  His breathing stuttered and Pike pushed her way forward, wiping her tears away and putting on her best nurse face.

“Your heart is starting to fail,” she said.  “Vax…”

He gestured for Keyleth to come closer.  She bent over the bed and he kissed her one last time.  Her hands cradled his face and she swore to remember this moment forever.

“I’m sorry it’s so cold,” he whispered.

“I don’t care,” Keyleth ran her thumbs across his cheeks.  “I love you.  Forever.”

“And ever and always,” Vax promised.

The door opened and Gilmore walked through.  He looked harried and slightly panicked.  At the sight of Vax, he pushed up until he was kneeling next to the bed.  Keyleth put a hand on his shoulder as he gripped Vax's hand.

"I'm sorry I'm late, dear," Gilmore said.  "Traffic was awful."

Vax laughed and his monitors spiked.  "I love you, Shaun Gilmore.  You and Kiki look out for each other."

Gilmore bent over and gave Vax one last kiss.  He leaned back against Keyleth and she couldn't help but fall forward, burying her face in his thick hair, hiding her tears.

“Soon,” Pike said.  She touched Vax’s hand.  “Just breathe and let it out, Vax.  It’ll be just like falling asleep.”

“How lucky I’ve been to have had all you,” Vax said as his eyes slipped shut.  “How lucky indeed.”


	9. Ashes of Eden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Ashes of Eden" by Breaking Benjamin
> 
> I heard this song and, before even watching campaign one, it gave me so many feelings about Vax and Keyleth and him dying and leaving. It's honestly part of the whole reason I even started this fic.
> 
> Another good one is "Closer to Heaven" which is also partially responsible for this chapter.

Keyleth was back in the temple.  Time was supposed to heal all wounds but she couldn't believe this wound would ever be healed.  It had been months since Vax died and every day felt like forever.  Keyleth stayed with Gilmore, the two of them sharing their grief and trying to make a future together.  Vex's belly grew with each passing month and Percy was giddy at the future of being a father.

As much as Keyleth tried to be happy for them, she couldn't.  She faked a smile every time they met even though her soul was broken.

Kneeling at the statue of the Raven Queen, Keyleth wanted to cry.  But she couldn't.  There were no more tears left in her to cry, no more heartache she could handle.  She was numb, cold and hardened.

"He was so faithful to you," she muttered.  "And this is his reward?"  Keyleth looked up at the statue, as if daring it to talk back to her.  "You told me that he would stay beside me.  That if I was faithful and true, that I wouldn't have to live without him."

The sound of flapping wings echoed through the temple and Keyleth, to her surprise, felt tears build up in her eyes - tears she thought she'd run out of.  Here, in the temple of the goddess that Vax so devoutly worshiped after Vex's attack, Keyleth wondered if Vax's spirit was here, if he remained in the temple.

"Vax," she whispered.  "If you're here, if you're watching, then why can't I feel you?"

A quiet sob shook through her and Keyleth bent forward on the stone floor.  "I know it's too late... but please... please Vax.  Stay with me."

Keyleth jumped as something pecked her hand.  Standing on the floor in front of her, head cocked sideways, was a large black raven.  He stared at her with intelligent, bright eyes and pecked at her hand again, close to her wrist.

"What the hell," she said, pulling her hand close.  The raven hopped forward, pecking at the string of colorful beads tied around her wrist.  "Hey!  You can't have that!"

The bird didn't listen and pecked at the bracelet again.  He stared at Keyleth and a strange noise came from his chest.

"I don't - I don't understand," Keyleth said.

Then the raven walked onto Keyleth's arm, talons gentle where they pressed against her skin.  The raven pushed his head up and nuzzled underneath of Keyleth's chin affectionately.

_Did you think I would abandon one of my own?  I cannot interfere with fate, but I can help make it bearable._

Keyleth looked down at the raven, at his bright eyes that seemed to sparkle with mischief, and the tilt of his head that looked so familiar, and felt the faintest glimmer of impossible hope in her chest.  A tenuous, fragile hope that seemed to only grow the longer she sat here.

"Vax?" she breathed.

The raven crowed, long and loud, and extended his wings out, almost as if he was celebrating.

 _He cannot stay long in this world, but he can visit.  He will never be far from you_.

 

Vex gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  Keyleth thought he was perfect from the moment she saw him - a tiny bundle wrapped up in Vex's tender arms with Percy hovering over them protectively.  He had Percy's blue eyes and Vex's dark hair and all of their friends cooed over him in the hospital room.

"He's perfect!" Pike said.  She lifted Kaylie up on her hips to see her new cousin.  "Can you believe you were once that little?"

"Never!" Kaylie shook her head.  She reached out a hand and clumsily pat the baby on the head.  "He's so tiny!"

Grog was beside himself.  "He looked so big in your tummy but he's so little now!"

"Would you like to hold him?" Vex asked.

Grog paled.  "No!  I couldn't!  What if I hurt him?"

"Here, Grog, I'll show you," Keyleth reached out and grabbed Grog's arms, maneuvering them so Vex could nestle her newborn in his arms.  "See?  Easy."

Scanlan whipped out his phone and got a picture of Grog holding the baby with the look of sheer mortification on his face.  Keyleth let him suffer a few minutes more before taking the baby in her arms.  He'd been sleeping soundly, but as soon as Keyleth took him, his eyes opened wide.  She braced herself for the scream, for the crying that was the only way newborns knew how to communicate, but instead he just stared.

A familiar chill went down Keyleth's spine.  The same chill she felt at the Raven Queen's temple when the goddess spoke to her.  The same feeling whenever a particularly friendly raven decided to visit her.  A feeling that she and Gilmore shared whenever they visited Vax's grave.

Judging from the look on Vex's face, Keyleth wasn't the only one who could sense Vax's presence.

"Do you have a name?" Keyleth asked.

"Well, we were thinking about continuing the family name," Percy said, looking down at Vex with fondness.  "It seemed only right - "

"Vax," Vex interrupted her husband.  "His name is Vax'ildan."

Percy looked taken aback.  "Are... are you sure?"

Vex looked at Keyleth, but her eyes were focused on a spot over her left shoulder and Keyleth felt the sudden urge to turn around, to see if Vax was truly in this room with them.  Instead, she looked out the hospital window and noticed, for the first time, a raven perched on the ledge.

"Yes," Vex insisted.

"Vax'ildan de Rolo," Percy said.  "He'll do his uncle proud, I'm sure."

 

Every night Keyleth and Gilmore sit by the window of their bedroom, staring up at the starlit sky, waiting.  Some days the raven came to visit, some days he didn't.  But even when he didn't show up, it wasn't so hard to sleep at night.  Before, it felt like a huge canyon between them.  Wanting to be remember Vax, to honor him.  But hating to do so, because doing so hurt so much.

Now, after Keyleth's visit to the temple, after meeting the raven, after Vax the II was born, things were different.

They would belong to Vax forever.  The three of them were bound together, no matter what the future held.

Keyleth reached out and took Gilmore's hand in hers.

"We sleep a little closer to heaven when he's around," she said.

Gilmore's fingers tightened around hers.  "Always."

In the distance came the cawing of a raven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thanks for coming along this heart wrenching journey with me. I promise I'll try to find the time/inspiration to write some more fluffy stuff in this 'verse via Bonus Tracks.


End file.
